My step-son is about as lazy as they come. My mom likes to laugh at me about it. She knows that throughout my entire life I've never had much patience...especially with laziness. When I was a college coach that was the biggest thing I hated about the job. Dealing with lazy people. I can't count how many times I'd have someone in my office all afternoon telling me how badly they wanted to be All-American. Just how driven they were to be great....and then the moment passed and all that gusto just seemed to run right out of them like air escaping a balloon, because I never saw any of that desire expressed in actual work.
I was very quick to give up on anyone who didn't live running. You know how coaches all say they'd rather have a mediocre runner who tried hard than a talented runner who didn't? Well I didn't even bother. The path to mediocrity doesn't need an escort. I only gave my coaching time to hard workers. The rest could read the workout from the wall in the gym and have at it, or not.
So here I am, on a daily basis coming home to a young sheltered 16yr old who hasn't ever known real work. His exasperation when given simple tasks is something I just was never prepared for. Some kharmic angel sent him to me to round me out a bit, build something in me...but I gander I'm probably failing.
Which brings me back to my running. I've been bragging lately about just how strong I've been getting, only to have setback after setback. My attempt at returning to running so far has been a frustrating and totally humiliating experience. Well, if all I can do is run 30 minutes a day and do physical therapy....then I'm going to own that shit!
Matt, my physical therapist has been slowly removing limiting factors. My back wasn't firing, my hips were weak, my QL was locking in compensation. One by one we've strengthened to reduce the symptoms. Each week he assigns me new exercises without taking away the old ones. Each week I astonish him at how strong I got that week.
Last week I was able to run 6 days. When I started my 4 mile loop (at 128 HR) I was able to do it in 35:10. That quickly came down to 34:12 average. A few more weeks and I was averaging 31:17. Now I average 28:20. So I'm back to running 7 minute miles on hilly twisting trails at a very low heart rate (even with 176 average cadence).
I started out, as I posted earlier, doing about 2hrs of physical therapy exercises a day. Now I'm up to almost 4. I wake up to 16 minutes of various planks followed by 18 minutes of various bridges. then I'm off to work where every hour I take a break and do 9 minutes of my suitcase carries and different variations, or my foot exercises, or my stability with weights exercises, or my weight assisted stretching routine. After work I run 30 minutes, then my stability exercises and ball routine. After that my stretching exercises, shower, etc.
I'm going to fix this, I'm going to be the best 42yr old runner I can be. It's the journey. If I have to remake every muscle in my body I will. I'm done complaining, I'm done being frustrated. It's time to embrace this shit and show it who's boss. I'm not afraid of work, I define work.
People say the best thing for a child is to see consistency, work ethic, and healthy habits. It's in front of him, all day, every day. If none of it sinks in.....well....as I said before, he'll have plenty of company on the mediocre highway. I have a different destination for myself in mind.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Friday, May 13, 2016
Setback
Everything was going along smoothly, until it wasn't. I got up to running 2 days, then 1 day off. I was increasing all my exercises...but my back wasn't responding. One day I woke up with a kink in my neck. Figure I was doing too many push-ups with my feet on the exercise ball. I took that day off running and did more stretching. All that stretching without exercising seemed to make my back unstable...so I took another day off. By then my neck and back were so bad that I had to make an emergency appointment with Matt my Physical Therapist. He worked on my back and shoulder gave me some homework....
So I've been doing my homework. I'm back to running 2 days on and 1 day off. My runs are still going awesome. My heart rate has come down while my cadence work has done wonders. I'm pretty consistently running 170-176 cadence easy cheesy. Doesn't feel all that weird anymore either.
I went for PT today and we found that my back just isn't responding. The funny things we've noticed...
1) When my back tightens up my knee hurts. Regardless of activity or inactivity.
2) Doing a "suitcase carry" or "bottoms up kettlebell carry" exercise almost immediately helps my back. too many however or too much running and my QL locks up and I'm leaning right a bit.
3) At around 28 minutes of running (I currently run for 31-34 minutes for my loop) my left hip fatigues and I can feel that instead of springing off the ground, my right leg is catching me, sinking in, then having to muscles me up. That I'm sure comes with some hip tilt and then causes my right leg/knee to dive in. When that happens my form has basically gone bad. Keeping the high rpm combats this because my stride is shorter, but not completely...and I can only maintain the high cadence for so long. So for now we'll keep the run duration right around 30 minutes and just add more runs per week.
My functional strength measure ok for everything. My form on the treadmill looks great... but I still get the neck kink with too many exercises and right QL lock with too many. So today he introduced me to dry needling. This is where he takes acupuncture needles and jams them through the skin, then moves around here and there poking and aggravating the muscles. He said this causes them to send acid and enzymes there to repair them, and blood to wash away everything. Basically attacking the adhesion's like massage. Holy hell!! rank this right up there with the dentists drill. He worked on my right quad for about 10 minutes and I was just about to my limit when he graciously moved on to my hip and back. Hip and back didn't bother me nearly as much. A few places really seemed to release things. I'm sore, but my range of motion and strength improved pretty dramatically really quickly. The leg though. Dang!!! I'm barely able to kneel down. My quad is pretty sore.
We'll see what that does for me. Setback after setback....but at least I'm running. I may be the slowest man slogging through the woods but I'm getting out there and enjoying it....
maybe I'm in last place....but hopefully I can pull a Waddle.
So I've been doing my homework. I'm back to running 2 days on and 1 day off. My runs are still going awesome. My heart rate has come down while my cadence work has done wonders. I'm pretty consistently running 170-176 cadence easy cheesy. Doesn't feel all that weird anymore either.
I went for PT today and we found that my back just isn't responding. The funny things we've noticed...
1) When my back tightens up my knee hurts. Regardless of activity or inactivity.
2) Doing a "suitcase carry" or "bottoms up kettlebell carry" exercise almost immediately helps my back. too many however or too much running and my QL locks up and I'm leaning right a bit.
3) At around 28 minutes of running (I currently run for 31-34 minutes for my loop) my left hip fatigues and I can feel that instead of springing off the ground, my right leg is catching me, sinking in, then having to muscles me up. That I'm sure comes with some hip tilt and then causes my right leg/knee to dive in. When that happens my form has basically gone bad. Keeping the high rpm combats this because my stride is shorter, but not completely...and I can only maintain the high cadence for so long. So for now we'll keep the run duration right around 30 minutes and just add more runs per week.
My functional strength measure ok for everything. My form on the treadmill looks great... but I still get the neck kink with too many exercises and right QL lock with too many. So today he introduced me to dry needling. This is where he takes acupuncture needles and jams them through the skin, then moves around here and there poking and aggravating the muscles. He said this causes them to send acid and enzymes there to repair them, and blood to wash away everything. Basically attacking the adhesion's like massage. Holy hell!! rank this right up there with the dentists drill. He worked on my right quad for about 10 minutes and I was just about to my limit when he graciously moved on to my hip and back. Hip and back didn't bother me nearly as much. A few places really seemed to release things. I'm sore, but my range of motion and strength improved pretty dramatically really quickly. The leg though. Dang!!! I'm barely able to kneel down. My quad is pretty sore.
We'll see what that does for me. Setback after setback....but at least I'm running. I may be the slowest man slogging through the woods but I'm getting out there and enjoying it....
maybe I'm in last place....but hopefully I can pull a Waddle.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
getting stronger
I've slowly been getting better at my physical therapy exercises. Last week I was finally able to get through 3 sets of all of them. I was rewarded this week with more and harder exercises. So far when he's added exercises he hasn't let me stop the old ones....and now it seems I have more to do than I can fit into my evenings. Today I got up early to do some.
I only got to run twice last week because I was busy. I'm trying to run with a high cadence and I feel like I'm prancing along like I'm training for Riverdance....but I do feel better. It'll be a lot better when I'm fit enough to run at a pace that warrants a fast cadence. For now it's just good for my stride and hips.
Yesterday I ran at lunch and it was pretty hot (83 degrees) compared to what I was used to. I was doing this loop 4 years ago between 33 and 35 minutes. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good for about 28 minutes, but with the higher cadence my heart rate was higher than it should be for the pace I was running. After 28 minutes my hips were getting really sore and I could feel a bit in my patella. I end every run praying my patella doesn't flare up. At 35 minutes I stopped and walked in. Probably would have been around 37 or 38 for the loop. So pretty slow, but I'm so happy to be out there I guess I don't care how slow it is.
I went to the gym at lunch today and I'm really happy with how all the core and hip stuff I've been doing has translated to strength in other areas. My pull-ups and just about everything are way better. Hopefully next time I go to physical therapy he lets me drop some of the easier exercises so I can fit in some other things.
Here are some of the hardest exercises I do..
1) planks with leg movement. I do 1 minute of normal plank lifting one leg at a time up using my back muscles, then immediately turn to this side plank moving my top leg in a running motion..., then roll to the other side. After the 3 minutes I take a 30 second break and then do it again. I do 3 sets.
2) Next I do band walks. Those are pretty easy looking but after 3 passes back and forth of my living room my hips are cooked.
3) next I do one legged squats where I push the up leg into a ball. This puts a lot of lateral pressure on the leg that I'm squatting with.
4) Next I do 1 legged bridges and I dip the hip of my up leg 30 times during the 1 minute bridge. I do that 3 times with both legs.
5) Next I take bands and close them in my door. I stand with my right side toward the door and stand on one leg. With the bands in my hands in front of my stomach I twist to the right, middle, left, and when I go back to middle I take my hands straight out. I do that 10 times with each foot then turn and do them facing the other way. It may sound simple but it was almost impossible at first. Now I can do them ok, my balance is getter better and I can really feel my feet getting stronger and I have to force myself to turn.
6) most of the other exercises are balance related. They don't seem very hard except that I do them when my hips are already cooked from the other exercises.
As I was running in the woods yesterday I just kept waiting for my knee to hurt and praying that my patella holds up and I can really start to run. So far so good.
I only got to run twice last week because I was busy. I'm trying to run with a high cadence and I feel like I'm prancing along like I'm training for Riverdance....but I do feel better. It'll be a lot better when I'm fit enough to run at a pace that warrants a fast cadence. For now it's just good for my stride and hips.
Yesterday I ran at lunch and it was pretty hot (83 degrees) compared to what I was used to. I was doing this loop 4 years ago between 33 and 35 minutes. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good for about 28 minutes, but with the higher cadence my heart rate was higher than it should be for the pace I was running. After 28 minutes my hips were getting really sore and I could feel a bit in my patella. I end every run praying my patella doesn't flare up. At 35 minutes I stopped and walked in. Probably would have been around 37 or 38 for the loop. So pretty slow, but I'm so happy to be out there I guess I don't care how slow it is.
I went to the gym at lunch today and I'm really happy with how all the core and hip stuff I've been doing has translated to strength in other areas. My pull-ups and just about everything are way better. Hopefully next time I go to physical therapy he lets me drop some of the easier exercises so I can fit in some other things.
Here are some of the hardest exercises I do..
1) planks with leg movement. I do 1 minute of normal plank lifting one leg at a time up using my back muscles, then immediately turn to this side plank moving my top leg in a running motion..., then roll to the other side. After the 3 minutes I take a 30 second break and then do it again. I do 3 sets.
2) Next I do band walks. Those are pretty easy looking but after 3 passes back and forth of my living room my hips are cooked.
3) next I do one legged squats where I push the up leg into a ball. This puts a lot of lateral pressure on the leg that I'm squatting with.
4) Next I do 1 legged bridges and I dip the hip of my up leg 30 times during the 1 minute bridge. I do that 3 times with both legs.
5) Next I take bands and close them in my door. I stand with my right side toward the door and stand on one leg. With the bands in my hands in front of my stomach I twist to the right, middle, left, and when I go back to middle I take my hands straight out. I do that 10 times with each foot then turn and do them facing the other way. It may sound simple but it was almost impossible at first. Now I can do them ok, my balance is getter better and I can really feel my feet getting stronger and I have to force myself to turn.
6) most of the other exercises are balance related. They don't seem very hard except that I do them when my hips are already cooked from the other exercises.
As I was running in the woods yesterday I just kept waiting for my knee to hurt and praying that my patella holds up and I can really start to run. So far so good.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
a restart?
I've spent a pretty fair amount of my time in the last 3 weeks sitting in doctors offices. A lot of interesting news. Just enough to get me to start dreaming again. I'm afraid to even write about it and jinx myself.
First the doctors, then trip for MRI, then back to doctor, then to physical therapist. Turns out at some point I had a bulged disc that pressed on the nerve that tells my multifidis to fire. The disc bulge went back on its own, but the muscle wasn't getting the signal and wasn't working. I did a week's worth of exercises and got that firing again and now I'm finding all sorts of weakness because I've spent a few years compensating for the back stuff.
First off is a horribly weak left hip and poor stability when doing one legged squats with my right leg. I did about 2 weeks of all sorts of crazy exercises for those. Pretty pathetic! One of the exercises was a side plank, but instead of just holding, I rotated my top leg as though I was running. I could last 7 seconds. Well, after 2 weeks of that I can now do 3 sets of 1 minute. My hips are getting nice and strong, my core is nice and strong. Still weakness in my left hip, but the main problem now is the stability issues when squatting.
Right now we're tackling that with some exercises where I land and hop stopping in a one legged squat. Sort of odd to express in writing. We'll see how all that goes. All I can say is that every night I go to bed with my hips totally wore out and all day long they're quite sore. Good sore!!
Yesterday they had me run on the treadmill and did video gate analysis from the side and back. My form over 6:10 pace is too up and down and my cadence is too slow. Once I get faster than 6:10 my cadence improves, but I'm still up and down. Measuring my legs upon landing it's quite clear that I'm catching myself cushioning with my muscles, then having to push up and off again. Hopefully cadence with take care of some of that. The other problem is that I lean to the right when I run. He thinks that's is what has been the main issue putting more stress on that right knee. Probably due to my back not working, my left hip being too weak, and my instability....so back to those exercises. For now that's my emphasis...but I am allowed to run.
Here's hoping I finally beat this thing. Don't just be teasing me! I want to run! Save some love for me!
First the doctors, then trip for MRI, then back to doctor, then to physical therapist. Turns out at some point I had a bulged disc that pressed on the nerve that tells my multifidis to fire. The disc bulge went back on its own, but the muscle wasn't getting the signal and wasn't working. I did a week's worth of exercises and got that firing again and now I'm finding all sorts of weakness because I've spent a few years compensating for the back stuff.
First off is a horribly weak left hip and poor stability when doing one legged squats with my right leg. I did about 2 weeks of all sorts of crazy exercises for those. Pretty pathetic! One of the exercises was a side plank, but instead of just holding, I rotated my top leg as though I was running. I could last 7 seconds. Well, after 2 weeks of that I can now do 3 sets of 1 minute. My hips are getting nice and strong, my core is nice and strong. Still weakness in my left hip, but the main problem now is the stability issues when squatting.
Right now we're tackling that with some exercises where I land and hop stopping in a one legged squat. Sort of odd to express in writing. We'll see how all that goes. All I can say is that every night I go to bed with my hips totally wore out and all day long they're quite sore. Good sore!!
Yesterday they had me run on the treadmill and did video gate analysis from the side and back. My form over 6:10 pace is too up and down and my cadence is too slow. Once I get faster than 6:10 my cadence improves, but I'm still up and down. Measuring my legs upon landing it's quite clear that I'm catching myself cushioning with my muscles, then having to push up and off again. Hopefully cadence with take care of some of that. The other problem is that I lean to the right when I run. He thinks that's is what has been the main issue putting more stress on that right knee. Probably due to my back not working, my left hip being too weak, and my instability....so back to those exercises. For now that's my emphasis...but I am allowed to run.
Here's hoping I finally beat this thing. Don't just be teasing me! I want to run! Save some love for me!
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
That feeling inside
I had a major life twist last year in getting married. That sort of put my athletics on hold for a while. I did my usual switch to running which, as usual, ended in failure due to broken boy syndrome. I didn't really have any goals in mind during my last running stint due mainly to the fact that I just couldn't get to the point where any run I did was respectable. Plus it's hard to dream of greatness if along with running miserably slow you're suffering just to accomplish those depressingly slow runs. Not one single run was worth mentioning. That slow simmer of frustration along with the hours of physical therapy and stretching that were accomplishing nothing....finally drove me back to the bike.
Last night I did a long, easy 5hr ride thinking about all of this. I started dwelling on the emotion and the feelings I get, different for each sport, when I'm doing well. I recently had a work accomplishment that gave me the same sort of feeling, so I thought I should dwell on it a bit and digest it. So I put on some music, got inside my own head, and pedaled.
Running, like every sport I suppose, is a roller coaster of emotion. The days of anticipation leading up to the competition, the miserable few minutes before the race, the intense few seconds before the gun goes off....then there's this sort of absence of emotion all together. The task at hand, the application of the plan, takes over and your brain latches on to that and goes through the familiar motions of pressing your body into duty.
Once you get a bit into the race your brain kicks back into analytics mode. How is my pace? How do I feel? How is my competition doing? Do I think he can keep it up? etc. Then there's one of two feelings. The first is a slow apprehension that you are beaten. That no matter what effort you give that guy is just better than you. That feeling can generally be rationalized and dealt with. The other....well, that feeling is totally addictive. You get to a point in the race where you can literally feel the guy give in to his pain. When you just know that you've won. There's something in that feeling that is undescribable. The remainder of the race you run with your mind in the clouds. All of the emotion (bigger depending on the importance of the race, time spent focusing on it, etc). Comes bubbling out and you can barely contain it. For me this always expressed itself as a smirk. For others it's arms above their head, pointing at the sky, signaling number 1 to the crowd, screaming. Whatever the case may be, the feeling is the same...... intoxicating self confidence, achievement, and feeling of invincibility. Even watching others, for example at the Olympics, achieve that feeling brings chills to my spine associating for a brief second with exactly how the person is feeling.
Racing, however is just an occasional activity. It's the emotion that comes with training that really has to be there. I only liked wrestling for the competitions and the crowd. The infrequency of the competitions made the drudgery of training just too much for me. There was no emotional lift from training so it just didn't hold me. It's the emotion of training, the lift, that keeps people in the sport. Sometimes that feeling fades over time, sometimes the athlete finds a replacement, and sometimes the body just fails to cooperate.
While dwelling on it I realized that probably for me, cycling was an attempt at a replacement. I wasn't as into the activity as those around me, I was after the feeling. I was there to race, and to beat people. To show myself, one more time, that I could apply my self discipline, athletic talents, and will myself to greatness. Deep down though....I was still a runner. So....as the song says.
After a few years spent cycling, when I try to return to running, I'm chasing the feelings I remember. Not the feelings I currently have. So far in my running, I just haven't been able to get them back. A few times I've had glimpses of them, but to be honest....most of the time running just feels HARD...Really, really hard. That feeling I used to get while out training. The anticipation, knowing that the work will lead to greatness... That's been totally lacking. So that makes going through the grind that much harder.
About 2 months ago I started training again on the bike. I was biking a bit last year. I did ok, but I lacked any sort of base so even when I got in shape it was always entirely likely that I could get dropped if I made any errors, if the ride was too long, or if the hard efforts were back to back. This year I decided to try to be more consistent and actually train. So far the rides have been pretty similar to running. I'm out doing it, but it's hard. At least while biking I have scenery going by and the range I get to explore is pretty good. I did a few group rides, got dropped, and suffered home solo. Of course, those group rides had folks with some pretty impressive resumes. Still, so far cycling has been pretty equivalent to the embarrassment running brings me.
Last week I finally had a really good ride. Not just a good section to a ride, but 3hrs of monster output. One of those rides that starts to make you think of racing. A ride where you feel a bit invincible. It seems, that if I can get my base together (which is coming along nicely), I should start planning some sort racing schedule. We'll see. One things for sure, I really crushed that ride....and that could mean, possibly, that once I apply some short repeated efforts, TerribleTerry could be found somewhere inside.
When I say TerribleTerry, I mean that guy who some how, some way, finds his way to the front. Other than the volume I maintained, I never was that guy that wowed everyone in practice. I just always seemed to rise to the occasion for the big race. Maybe mentally I'm just too weak to go to the well often, I don't know. But there's times when I can really go into that well. I spent a good deal of time dwelling on that during last nights ride. The emotion that drives me, how to identify it and keep it right there in front of me to keep me going. What made TerribleTerry and how do I get him back. Is he gone forever? Do I no longer have the discipline to do the training that get's me to the bucket? Once I do the training do I have the ability and desire to lower that bucket and dip into the well?
I guess we'll see how it all turns out.
Last night I did a long, easy 5hr ride thinking about all of this. I started dwelling on the emotion and the feelings I get, different for each sport, when I'm doing well. I recently had a work accomplishment that gave me the same sort of feeling, so I thought I should dwell on it a bit and digest it. So I put on some music, got inside my own head, and pedaled.
Running, like every sport I suppose, is a roller coaster of emotion. The days of anticipation leading up to the competition, the miserable few minutes before the race, the intense few seconds before the gun goes off....then there's this sort of absence of emotion all together. The task at hand, the application of the plan, takes over and your brain latches on to that and goes through the familiar motions of pressing your body into duty.
Once you get a bit into the race your brain kicks back into analytics mode. How is my pace? How do I feel? How is my competition doing? Do I think he can keep it up? etc. Then there's one of two feelings. The first is a slow apprehension that you are beaten. That no matter what effort you give that guy is just better than you. That feeling can generally be rationalized and dealt with. The other....well, that feeling is totally addictive. You get to a point in the race where you can literally feel the guy give in to his pain. When you just know that you've won. There's something in that feeling that is undescribable. The remainder of the race you run with your mind in the clouds. All of the emotion (bigger depending on the importance of the race, time spent focusing on it, etc). Comes bubbling out and you can barely contain it. For me this always expressed itself as a smirk. For others it's arms above their head, pointing at the sky, signaling number 1 to the crowd, screaming. Whatever the case may be, the feeling is the same...... intoxicating self confidence, achievement, and feeling of invincibility. Even watching others, for example at the Olympics, achieve that feeling brings chills to my spine associating for a brief second with exactly how the person is feeling.
Racing, however is just an occasional activity. It's the emotion that comes with training that really has to be there. I only liked wrestling for the competitions and the crowd. The infrequency of the competitions made the drudgery of training just too much for me. There was no emotional lift from training so it just didn't hold me. It's the emotion of training, the lift, that keeps people in the sport. Sometimes that feeling fades over time, sometimes the athlete finds a replacement, and sometimes the body just fails to cooperate.
While dwelling on it I realized that probably for me, cycling was an attempt at a replacement. I wasn't as into the activity as those around me, I was after the feeling. I was there to race, and to beat people. To show myself, one more time, that I could apply my self discipline, athletic talents, and will myself to greatness. Deep down though....I was still a runner. So....as the song says.
I could stick around and get along with you
Hello
It doesn't really mean that I'm into you
Hello
You're alright but I'm here darling to enjoy the party
Hello
It doesn't really mean that I'm into you
Hello
You're alright but I'm here darling to enjoy the party
I'm just here to say Hello!
After a few years spent cycling, when I try to return to running, I'm chasing the feelings I remember. Not the feelings I currently have. So far in my running, I just haven't been able to get them back. A few times I've had glimpses of them, but to be honest....most of the time running just feels HARD...Really, really hard. That feeling I used to get while out training. The anticipation, knowing that the work will lead to greatness... That's been totally lacking. So that makes going through the grind that much harder.
About 2 months ago I started training again on the bike. I was biking a bit last year. I did ok, but I lacked any sort of base so even when I got in shape it was always entirely likely that I could get dropped if I made any errors, if the ride was too long, or if the hard efforts were back to back. This year I decided to try to be more consistent and actually train. So far the rides have been pretty similar to running. I'm out doing it, but it's hard. At least while biking I have scenery going by and the range I get to explore is pretty good. I did a few group rides, got dropped, and suffered home solo. Of course, those group rides had folks with some pretty impressive resumes. Still, so far cycling has been pretty equivalent to the embarrassment running brings me.
Last week I finally had a really good ride. Not just a good section to a ride, but 3hrs of monster output. One of those rides that starts to make you think of racing. A ride where you feel a bit invincible. It seems, that if I can get my base together (which is coming along nicely), I should start planning some sort racing schedule. We'll see. One things for sure, I really crushed that ride....and that could mean, possibly, that once I apply some short repeated efforts, TerribleTerry could be found somewhere inside.
When I say TerribleTerry, I mean that guy who some how, some way, finds his way to the front. Other than the volume I maintained, I never was that guy that wowed everyone in practice. I just always seemed to rise to the occasion for the big race. Maybe mentally I'm just too weak to go to the well often, I don't know. But there's times when I can really go into that well. I spent a good deal of time dwelling on that during last nights ride. The emotion that drives me, how to identify it and keep it right there in front of me to keep me going. What made TerribleTerry and how do I get him back. Is he gone forever? Do I no longer have the discipline to do the training that get's me to the bucket? Once I do the training do I have the ability and desire to lower that bucket and dip into the well?
I guess we'll see how it all turns out.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Arbeit Macht Frei
Arbeit Macht Frei is a phrase that comes from a book written by a German Philologist in which he describes how gamblers and thieves, who go through life without regard to the real value of things, discover value (eventually) through having to work to create or earn the things they had previously taken for granted and received for free. That thought, that the true value of things has to do more with the journey of obtaining them, than to the material they are made of, or the monetary significance culture assesses to them... is common in many religions and philosophical ideologies.
That phrase was eventually absorbed by the German Workers party and then later adopted by the Nazi party who placed it over the gates of many of the concentration camps. In The Kingdom of Auschwitz, Otto Friedrich wrote about the man who had this done.
In my current job I spend my days sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen. I suppose I shouldn't tell much about all that here except to say that it's horribly unfulfilling to me. At the end of the day my contribution is trivial and unmeasurable. I get paid exceptionally well for this and it seems, as long as they're passing out money, I'd be a fool not to show up and take it from them.
For fulfillment then, I have to look to other things to provide that. In the past that has always been competition. Although honestly only in my earliest years was my love the actual competing part, or rather the ego gains winning at competition garnered. Once I was about 19yrs old I realized that most of my running had nothing to do with ego and more to do with the spiritual freedom Arbeit Macht Frei conveys. The very freedom that those ancient philosophers and religions try to articulate.
Running was a form of work. I've often said it is the journey that I enjoy, not the rewards. At some point it comes down to loving the activity. Loving putting yourself into something. Something that takes you away from the current pains and strains of daily life and replaces those the kinds of soreness you control. After my running days whistled away and my cycling ran the same course from egocentric fervor to work induced pleasure I've been lost for a bit. I needed something to put myself into, a work that I enjoyed but was more appropriate for the tough times I feel we'll face in the near future (my posts about Peak Oil). Here is what I found.
1) My old truck died :-( I pulled the transmission, replaced the clutch, a few bearings, etc. Turns out the transmission had some internal problems. I didn't have the facilities to have another go a it. RIP old buddy.
2) I taught my co-worker how to do tile and helped her do her own backsplash.
3) Jeremiah's work was removing their carpet and putting in new. We removed the best pieces and I hauled it to Ohio for my buildings.
4) I had renters who had combined 2 apartments into one before I purchased it. They were paying less than I could get for rent for 1 apartment. Rather than raise their rent, I took back the 2nd apartment and am updating it. That's still a work in progress.
That's your taste for now. I've also....
5) rebuilt an apartment
6) tiled my aunts bathroom
7) insulated the 3rd floor ceiling of my building.
8) removed my aunts hot tub and moved her washer and dryer into that room from the basement.
9) built storage facility in my buildings basement.
10) gave my buildings basement walls a skim coat of concrete.
11) replaced the ceiling in my moms bedroom.
12) and much more. I'll try to keep you posted.
I gain a real feeling of fulfillment in building and repairing things. I like to stand back at the end of the day and admire my creations. Perhaps my hard work is simply an avenue towards current fulfillment, perhaps it improves the lives of others, perhaps I'll reap rewards of a different type later from my hard work now. That brings up another sign that adorned the gates of concentration camps.
Jedem das Seine. which literally means, "to each his own", but idiomatically "everyone gets what he deserves" I toil on, for love of the activity, for love of others I work for, for love of the skills I attain and hone, and because I believe the things I've achieved through hard work in my life were earned. There's satisfaction in earning something that isn't material, cannot be traded, or taken away. Find your journey and live it! :-)
That phrase was eventually absorbed by the German Workers party and then later adopted by the Nazi party who placed it over the gates of many of the concentration camps. In The Kingdom of Auschwitz, Otto Friedrich wrote about the man who had this done.
- "He seems not to have intended it as a mockery, nor even to have intended it literally, as a false promise that those who worked to exhaustion would eventually be released, but rather as a kind of mystical declaration that self-sacrifice in the form of endless labour does in itself bring a kind of spiritual freedom"
In my current job I spend my days sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen. I suppose I shouldn't tell much about all that here except to say that it's horribly unfulfilling to me. At the end of the day my contribution is trivial and unmeasurable. I get paid exceptionally well for this and it seems, as long as they're passing out money, I'd be a fool not to show up and take it from them.
For fulfillment then, I have to look to other things to provide that. In the past that has always been competition. Although honestly only in my earliest years was my love the actual competing part, or rather the ego gains winning at competition garnered. Once I was about 19yrs old I realized that most of my running had nothing to do with ego and more to do with the spiritual freedom Arbeit Macht Frei conveys. The very freedom that those ancient philosophers and religions try to articulate.
Running was a form of work. I've often said it is the journey that I enjoy, not the rewards. At some point it comes down to loving the activity. Loving putting yourself into something. Something that takes you away from the current pains and strains of daily life and replaces those the kinds of soreness you control. After my running days whistled away and my cycling ran the same course from egocentric fervor to work induced pleasure I've been lost for a bit. I needed something to put myself into, a work that I enjoyed but was more appropriate for the tough times I feel we'll face in the near future (my posts about Peak Oil). Here is what I found.
1) My old truck died :-( I pulled the transmission, replaced the clutch, a few bearings, etc. Turns out the transmission had some internal problems. I didn't have the facilities to have another go a it. RIP old buddy.
2) I taught my co-worker how to do tile and helped her do her own backsplash.
3) Jeremiah's work was removing their carpet and putting in new. We removed the best pieces and I hauled it to Ohio for my buildings.
4) I had renters who had combined 2 apartments into one before I purchased it. They were paying less than I could get for rent for 1 apartment. Rather than raise their rent, I took back the 2nd apartment and am updating it. That's still a work in progress.
That's your taste for now. I've also....
5) rebuilt an apartment
6) tiled my aunts bathroom
7) insulated the 3rd floor ceiling of my building.
8) removed my aunts hot tub and moved her washer and dryer into that room from the basement.
9) built storage facility in my buildings basement.
10) gave my buildings basement walls a skim coat of concrete.
11) replaced the ceiling in my moms bedroom.
12) and much more. I'll try to keep you posted.
I gain a real feeling of fulfillment in building and repairing things. I like to stand back at the end of the day and admire my creations. Perhaps my hard work is simply an avenue towards current fulfillment, perhaps it improves the lives of others, perhaps I'll reap rewards of a different type later from my hard work now. That brings up another sign that adorned the gates of concentration camps.
Jedem das Seine. which literally means, "to each his own", but idiomatically "everyone gets what he deserves" I toil on, for love of the activity, for love of others I work for, for love of the skills I attain and hone, and because I believe the things I've achieved through hard work in my life were earned. There's satisfaction in earning something that isn't material, cannot be traded, or taken away. Find your journey and live it! :-)
Winter winds
I've been really missing blogging lately. I've done a lot of interesting building I want to post but never get around to it. I've also had some thoughts on Ebola, Fukashima, the elections, etc that I'm sure everyone is just sitting refreshing their browsers waiting for me to write about.
Everyone knows my ongoing struggle with running and how I often just throw in the towel and end up on the bike. That happened again this weekend. Each time it seems I get tantalizingly closer to figuring out my issues. The most helpful advice so far I received in Ukraine from a Chiropractor there. It seems here everyone is intent on treating symptoms instead of the root cause. Anyway....my problem is that my right leg pronates which over time has tilted my hips and locked my spine into a bit of a scoliatic curve. I get treatments but the muscles pull it straight back. I have specific exercises that relieve it. I'm supposed to reach a level of flexibility and then slowly introduce single leg exercises to regain strength, all the while maintaining the flexibility. Inevitably I do to many exercises and my hips lock themselves into the titled position and I have to back up steps and get flexible again. I can just skip some steps and put in a lift on my right leg, that totally relieves the knee pain when I run, but then my back gets all out of sorts because it just can't handle the change and my feet just get weaker (which is the problem in the first place).
Anyway, it's been pretty trying. Inna and I have been going to the gym, to yoga, and i've been putting my energies into my building projects. I'm finding though, that one weekend every 3 weeks getting to work on them is just not fulfilling enough. So I either need to live where I can work those hobbies more often, or run, or ride, or something to keep me going. So then I'm back to my feeling to just scrap all this stuff and ride my bike. With a cleat lift on my right leg I pedal just fine without pain. Once I get out on the bike I really miss cycling. But then there's the simplicity of running, and a lot of unfinished goals lying around.
This week, having only ran 2 or 3 times since running with Tom and Ernie out in Vegas, I got on the treadmill to try out my knees/hips. I didn't know at the time that this would probably be my last run of the year. I ran 5:50 pace for 3 miles. I felt really good, no knee pain. I was sweating a good deal because they keep it too hot at Golds Gym. That one run was awesome. 18:10 for 5k. Nothing special, but still pretty nice to be able run that sort of time with zero training and have it be 80% effort at nearly 40yrs old. I certainly have a good engine. I know it's still in there.... and it's killing me that I can't use it.
I'm holding off until January to go for any more physical therapy because of insurance. Going to the gym just doesn't do it for me. I need to get out and do something. This weekend I taped up my cycling shoes and got them in winter mode. Then headed out the door. I did a 3hr high cadence workout. As I rode I contemplated what I wanted to do. Maybe I should just ride a lot and do some mountain bike races. Maybe I should try racing Masters. I haven't raced a bicycle in 4 years. Maybe I should downgrade to cat 4 and start all over. I don't know.
When it comes down to it, I know I get a little crazy on the bike. I don't want a premature death. But honestly if I get my running going I'll end up doing some crazy ultra races where I'm traversing switchbacks and ridges and descending mountains at breakneck speed. Or i'll find another hobby where I tempt fate. So maybe it just comes down to time. Maybe cycling is just too time consuming for me. I feel guilty I should be something more with my time. Then again....maybe honing talents and chasing dreams is EXACTLY what I should be doing with my time. who's to say....
For the next 6 weeks I'll be wearing lycra and a funny helmet. We'll see what 2015 brings.
Other than running vs biking, I can tell you exactly what else will be happing in 2015.
1) Politicians (on both sides) will continue to pretend to care what voters want and instead do what people with money want.
2) More countries around the world will privatize regional assets, selling them to foreign investers pumping the last little bit of wealth they can until people in those countries revolt and the nation becomes ungovernable.
3) More ungovernable places will find charismatic leaders who represent them better, do more for their quality of life, etc.. than their former governments did. They'll follow these charismatic warband leaders happily at a price to the lives of their neighbors, equality, women's rights, etc.
4) More places will be hit by climate induced natural disasters. Money that normally would be used for quality of life or survival will instead go to repairing and recovering from those disasters. Many will be financially crushed and forever enjoy 3rd world status or worse.
5) With gas prices low more Americans will adopt habits, revert to living arrangments, increase consumption....instead of realizing this is a temporary respite. They will do nothing to prepare for the simpler and less energy intensive lives the laws of physics and ecology will soon force upon them.
6) All of the above mentioned will be blamed on corporations, politicians, that damn other party, ethnicities, spouses, or bad luck....instead of personal behaviors and a dependence on an economy that requires exponentially increasing energy use to create exponentially increasing growth.
Everyone knows my ongoing struggle with running and how I often just throw in the towel and end up on the bike. That happened again this weekend. Each time it seems I get tantalizingly closer to figuring out my issues. The most helpful advice so far I received in Ukraine from a Chiropractor there. It seems here everyone is intent on treating symptoms instead of the root cause. Anyway....my problem is that my right leg pronates which over time has tilted my hips and locked my spine into a bit of a scoliatic curve. I get treatments but the muscles pull it straight back. I have specific exercises that relieve it. I'm supposed to reach a level of flexibility and then slowly introduce single leg exercises to regain strength, all the while maintaining the flexibility. Inevitably I do to many exercises and my hips lock themselves into the titled position and I have to back up steps and get flexible again. I can just skip some steps and put in a lift on my right leg, that totally relieves the knee pain when I run, but then my back gets all out of sorts because it just can't handle the change and my feet just get weaker (which is the problem in the first place).
Anyway, it's been pretty trying. Inna and I have been going to the gym, to yoga, and i've been putting my energies into my building projects. I'm finding though, that one weekend every 3 weeks getting to work on them is just not fulfilling enough. So I either need to live where I can work those hobbies more often, or run, or ride, or something to keep me going. So then I'm back to my feeling to just scrap all this stuff and ride my bike. With a cleat lift on my right leg I pedal just fine without pain. Once I get out on the bike I really miss cycling. But then there's the simplicity of running, and a lot of unfinished goals lying around.
This week, having only ran 2 or 3 times since running with Tom and Ernie out in Vegas, I got on the treadmill to try out my knees/hips. I didn't know at the time that this would probably be my last run of the year. I ran 5:50 pace for 3 miles. I felt really good, no knee pain. I was sweating a good deal because they keep it too hot at Golds Gym. That one run was awesome. 18:10 for 5k. Nothing special, but still pretty nice to be able run that sort of time with zero training and have it be 80% effort at nearly 40yrs old. I certainly have a good engine. I know it's still in there.... and it's killing me that I can't use it.
I'm holding off until January to go for any more physical therapy because of insurance. Going to the gym just doesn't do it for me. I need to get out and do something. This weekend I taped up my cycling shoes and got them in winter mode. Then headed out the door. I did a 3hr high cadence workout. As I rode I contemplated what I wanted to do. Maybe I should just ride a lot and do some mountain bike races. Maybe I should try racing Masters. I haven't raced a bicycle in 4 years. Maybe I should downgrade to cat 4 and start all over. I don't know.
When it comes down to it, I know I get a little crazy on the bike. I don't want a premature death. But honestly if I get my running going I'll end up doing some crazy ultra races where I'm traversing switchbacks and ridges and descending mountains at breakneck speed. Or i'll find another hobby where I tempt fate. So maybe it just comes down to time. Maybe cycling is just too time consuming for me. I feel guilty I should be something more with my time. Then again....maybe honing talents and chasing dreams is EXACTLY what I should be doing with my time. who's to say....
For the next 6 weeks I'll be wearing lycra and a funny helmet. We'll see what 2015 brings.
Other than running vs biking, I can tell you exactly what else will be happing in 2015.
1) Politicians (on both sides) will continue to pretend to care what voters want and instead do what people with money want.
2) More countries around the world will privatize regional assets, selling them to foreign investers pumping the last little bit of wealth they can until people in those countries revolt and the nation becomes ungovernable.
3) More ungovernable places will find charismatic leaders who represent them better, do more for their quality of life, etc.. than their former governments did. They'll follow these charismatic warband leaders happily at a price to the lives of their neighbors, equality, women's rights, etc.
4) More places will be hit by climate induced natural disasters. Money that normally would be used for quality of life or survival will instead go to repairing and recovering from those disasters. Many will be financially crushed and forever enjoy 3rd world status or worse.
5) With gas prices low more Americans will adopt habits, revert to living arrangments, increase consumption....instead of realizing this is a temporary respite. They will do nothing to prepare for the simpler and less energy intensive lives the laws of physics and ecology will soon force upon them.
6) All of the above mentioned will be blamed on corporations, politicians, that damn other party, ethnicities, spouses, or bad luck....instead of personal behaviors and a dependence on an economy that requires exponentially increasing energy use to create exponentially increasing growth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)